Friday, August 23, 2013

I decided to have coffee today

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It's been awhile since I linked up for Company Girl Coffee and I have felt a little guilty about it.  I haven't stopped reading every post from Home Sanctuary, but I came across another link-up last year while we were in Germany that I really enjoyed and decided to join.  The first week I did both and then as my involvement in the circle that participated in 7 Quick Takes grew, I felt drawn to that link-up.  And as I said, I've felt bad since Home Sanctuary was the first blog that I began to read that wasn't a family member and Coffee Friday was my first experience with link-ups.  I feel a loyalty to Rachel Anne and I do love to read what she has to say, especially this week's post about simplifying life.  I already lead a simple life because it's just my nature and personality, but it provided me with something to share with a struggling friend.

This week I decided to come back to Coffee Friday because it seemed to provide a better outlet for what I need to say.  It's been quiet around here lately and that's probably unexpected for all of us since I always figured my blogging would boom when I finished my degree (I went back to school part-time online 2 years ago).  But back at the end of June we moved again (6th time in our 4 years of marriage).  This move was different because this one is supposed to be permanent.  Granted, when we moved to Atlanta a few weeks after our wedding we had no idea if we'd be there two years or until we died (it was the former), but ever since we started all this moving I have been able to handle it really well and people tell me that all the time.  You'd think this move would have been easier, but for someone with my background it really hasn't been.

There's a lot of pressure with a so-called "permanent" move.  In the past when there have been imperfections we have shrugged them off, knowing it's not forever.  This job isn't perfect, but it's not permanent.  This church isn't the greatest, but it's not forever.  The thing is that in the not-permanent places I found elements that would make up the so-called "perfect permanent life".  Just not all in the same place.  Perhaps that is one of the dangers of getting to sample so many different places.

Now anyone who knows me knows that I am pragmatic enough and easy-going enough to not expect to be able to have a "perfect" life.  But I am beginning to realize that when I am confronted with the possibility of being in the same place and not getting to try again somewhere else in a few months, I get nervous.  Maybe I am not as flexible as  I thought.  Maybe I am only flexible in the short-term.

I asked for prayers from many people before we moved here and offered my own as well and in so many ways they were answered.  We have found a good community already in the church that is literally right across the street from us and have found a couple in that community with whom we share values and interests.  I joked with my best friend that I think we prayed them into existence.  Our town is lovely and walkable and our house, while not "perfect" is jut right for now.

I guess knowing that this house is not forever is part of the reason I still can't quite grasp the permanence of this move.  I have tried to describe the feeling I have as "sleeping with one eye open"--I'm told that this is the new home, but so many moves later my brain seems to say, "I'll believe it when I see it."

And you'll notice I didn't mention a job.  This week I finally feel like I can say that I officially have a job.  Wahoo!  It's per diem, but I think I'll like it and hopefully something else comes along to fill the other days.  Unfortunately, I still have a month until I start and when it's already been two months...well, you can imagine.  I still had some school to finish up when we first were living here.  It wasn't much to do, but the constant preoccupation with what I had to do made my brain feel like I was busy :-)

I thought that at least one day a week would be spent volunteering, but after meeting with the contact I had this week I began to feel discomfort with the idea.  I'm not sure she's the type of person I want to work with, especially in that area of work.

There is a small possibility I'll be able to get some work as a substitute school nurse, the job I thought was so perfect.  I can't work full-time here because of the state's restrictions on certifications and me getting certified is not a quick or cheap endeavor, so for now it waits.

I have another professional/ministry pursuit happening as well as I am trying to become certified to teach the Creighton method of Natural Family Planning.  I'm not sure how long that will take, but when I am feeling like I'm not doing much I remind myself that this endeavor is a lot of work on my part and I'm doing it completely of my own volition and desire.  I tend to think of myself as a somewhat unmotivated person.  I'm certainly not goal-oriented.  I don't even entirely comprehend the term intellectually.  It's like I have a mental block on fully understanding it.  But truthfully, I could have dug my heels in and said "no" to going back to school to complete my bachelor's degree.  (Though I would be having even less success finding a job at this moment in my field.)  And this NFP thing is totally me as well.  When it's something I really want, I guess I do go for it.  I just do it a bit more quietly maybe?  I don't go at it with guns blazing or anything.

I do happen to believe that God still has a plan for what I'll be doing here in our new home, professionally and personally.  It just isn't apparently what I thought I'd be doing or what I thought God's plan would logically be.  It's easy for us to attribute things to God's plan when they are going our way or seem to make sense with what we want.  Which is why I assumed God in His infinite wisdom would have secured me the school nurse job at the Catholic school where I would have been amazing, more so than anyone else, and not have needed a certification.  But apparently God's wisdom is not the same as mine (and aren't we all grateful for that?) and I can laugh at my incredulous self :-)

The truth is, the other times I was able to find employment quickly were true blessings because our time in the location was so short.  With more time in this home, perhaps God is using it to do something that will only become obvious after this time has passed.  And my brain says that I should have been and should be using this time to blog a lot.  But as a Myers-Briggs "feeler", I haven't been feeling like sharing.  I continue to write, because that's what writers do.  But today I decided I would share all this.  And I don't think I'll even go back to reread it all for editing.  Today I will just be somewhat honest about what's on my heart.  Somewhat because if I tell all my secrets today, what will I have for my readers tomorrow?  Writers must always have something up their sleeves :-)

4 comments:

  1. I'm still waiting for our 'permanent' move and who knows when it'll happen! I pray that God blesses you and draws you closer in this waiting space and you can continue to thank him for what He is doing even if it doesn't match up to what you thought!

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    1. I think I have decided permanent moves are overrated. Thanks for stopping by, for your prayers and encouragement :-)

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  2. Hey girl - no guilt, alright??? My coffee link up is the "no pressure to perform" meme and I love that you've had freedom to be involved in blogosphere! It's a big, wide world.

    One thing you wrote really jumped out at me.

    'It's easy for us to attribute things to God's plan when they are going our way or seem to make sense with what we want."

    Wow, that sentence packs a lot of punch. Surely God's plans are a fulfillment of the desires of OUR hearts, right? That's the way I think of it most of the time. But you are so right...His wisdom is so far beyond ours and He know the BEST things, even when we don't.

    I also think you hit on something about the permanence. I think there is a point in life when you realize maybe that things WON'T get better, bigger, more amazing etc. and that maybe life is going to be "ordinary" after all. This doesn't sit well in our "live your amazing dream" culture...but there again, God knows. I think His plans often unfold when we are living out our regular, workaday lives. He has surprises in store, but they don't always look like what we expected.

    I truly love this post...so glad you shared. Gave me lots to think about.

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    1. Thanks so much for your encouragement and sharing. I'm glad you found something in there that spoke to you. And I almost fell on the floor when I read your last bit about reaching that point in life when things won't get better, etc. I was trying to articulate this to my husband just a week or so ago. It came out sounding a lot more depressing than I really feel about it. It is a weird realization to have though.

      Thanks for having me this week!

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