Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Miscellaneous thoughts

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I thought that maybe all those babies at work would make me sad or jealous.  But they don't.  I think I am fine, even better now.  But I still think when I see mothers with their babies that I want to grab them and say, Do you know how lucky you are??  Do you know that it's freaking amazing that this child is here with you and healthy?  I want to tell every friend I have who has recently had a baby, on their first try, with no complications, Do you know this doesn't happen every time?  Please, look at your baby and realize how lucky you are are.  She is beautiful and miraculous and her being here without the slightest hiccup is amazing.  Never forget that.

In those first couple of days when I realized that he was not perfect, all I wanted to do was hold him, right then.  I didn't want to wait those months for him to be born.  I wanted to hold my baby right then.  I wished so badly that I knew someone with a very young baby so that I could hold them and pretend it was my baby.  Pretend that I was comforting him.  It would have made me feel so much better.  I wish that I could have told that couple at work who brought their 3 day old daughter in for her first visit.  I wish that I could have asked their permission to hold her for my own comfort after I finished getting her measurements.  And then again, remind them how lucky they were that this happened to them.

I wished someone would make us dinner.  I wished there was someone to be with me each day I didn't work.  Just to come with me on my errands and keep me moving.  Not to ask me how I was doing or talk to me about it.  Just to make sure I got through some things.

But then sometimes I knew I needed that alone time.  I didn't need someone to tell me to not indulge myself for an hour of pretending that my baby was still coming home with me in May while I perfected and completed my baby registry.

What I really wanted after those weeks when the wondering was finally over was for someone to come clean my house.  To pick up all these pieces, tie up these loose ends, and get my damn ducks in a row.

Are you still pregnant if your baby is no longer alive?  I wondered this my first day back to work when I knew that he was gone.  Two very pregnant women got on the elevator with their partners.  They couldn't remember what floor.  Maternal Fetal Medicine? I suggested.  Yes, that was it.  They assumed they were the only pregnant ladies there and that I was just going to work.  I was.  But two days before I had also gone to the third floor because I was also pregnant.  I wanted to tell them that I also had a baby in my tummy.  But I just pushed 3 for them and then left at the second floor.

I didn't want the D&C for so many reasons.  There were risks.  I wanted it to happen naturally.  The baby would be whole.  They wouldn't keep it from me for "testing".  And if I didn't have it, then he was still safe.  I don't know why I felt I was keeping him "safe".  His soul was gone, it was just his body.  But it seemed he would be hurt.  I had done my best to keep him safe for these past few months.  I worried I had failed.  I didn't want them to take him from me.  I liked having him there.  I had gotten used to being two instead of just one.  And now I would be empty.

It was hard not to feel like I had failed in some way.  Should I have not kept taking that medicine they said was safe and even helpful?  Should I have not taken that allergy medicine?  What about that piece of turkey?  I kept my cell phone in my pocket too much.  Maybe there were too many chemicals in that face cream.  Is this because I didn't eat enough vegetables?

Having a baby sometimes feels like the wife's chance at a proposal.  We can find a special way to tell our husband the same way he found a special way to propose.  The baby is our diamond ring.  It's disappointing to not be able to deliver on that gift we want to give.

10 comments:

  1. Kelley, I thought I treasured life before our nephew passed away in utero, but I look at my children completely differently now. Especially since they had lives before they met us, I think of all the obstacles they overcame--including health issues--to thrive to the point where we could adopt them and have them forever as our children. So I do understand what you're saying about seeing people with babies. And having dealt with infertility, I have long wanted to say to people, "Do you know how amazing it is that you decided to conceive a child, and there he is, healthy and in your arms?" Keeping you in my prayers.

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    1. Oh yes, I think I would be amazed about your sons' lives before you all the time. How wonderful that they are able to so fully embrace their new lives with you. And so true--we forget how amazing it is that people can sometimes just decide to create a whole person!

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  2. Kelly, I did not know. I am so sorry. This makes me very sad. :(

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  3. Kelly, I did not know. I am so sorry. This makes me very sad. :(

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  4. Kelley, I know you miss him. I'm so sorry you have to. I wish he was in your arms, too.

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  5. I've never thought about pregnancy being a wife's chance at a proposal. Its so true. Praying for you guys.

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  6. I so wish I lived near you so I could have cooked or cleaned for you! I understand all too well not having any family or close friends nearby. You shouldn't have to deal with everything on your own. Know that there are so many praying for you!

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    1. That would have been sweet, Stephanie :-) We are very grateful for all the prayers coming our way.

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